Mediocrity Strikes!


Ab(solutely heinous) King Pro
July 6, 2008, 9:01 pm
Filed under: Humor

The Ab King Pro advertisement is to mediocre infomercials what Robert Mugabe is to world leaders.
Yeh, they’re both disgusting brutal monsters, but if we all ignore them long enough maybe they’ll just go away.

All of the production values and fancy graphics in the world can’t cover up the foul stench of fail-poo hanging around this terrible commercial, yet I’m sure this product sells like hotcakes because let’s face it, fat people will try anything to get thin, as long as it doesn’t involve real exercise and they can eat a Snickers bar while they’re doing it.

Besides, the ads promise “Flat, sexy, rock-hard abs”. How can you resist?

If you have not seen the positively shitful advertisement shown world-wide for the Ab King Pro:
1. You must not watch TV… what are you Amish or something? This thing is on around-the-clock.
2. I envy you. So very much.

In case you don’t loathe this product to it’s very core as much as I yet, here is a run down of the ad, with accompanying inner-monologue of fat unemployed loser who can afford to sit around watching telecommercials all day.
All mediocrity that follows is 100% real.

Oh geez, the footage is all in black and white!
Aw man, her face is all scrunched up and morose!
Damn, she dresses like one of those special kids I see on that small bus every morning!

Boy, dieting really does suck. No wonder I can’t lose weight, I feel the same when I diet!

And look at Generic Bald Loser #247.
He can’t use exercise equipment, just like me!

I can so relate to this shit…

I’ve always dreamed of having flat, sexy, rock-hard abs… but how?

Oh my God!!!
That could be me!!!

Please, please show me how to look like that! I want to be rubbed all over by sexy hand-models too!
I’d pay anything!

But lo, what is this wonderful contraption I see before me?
Why, it’s an Ab King Pro, you say???

Wow, the Ab King Pro isn’t like other ab work-out machines. No, the Ab King Pro flexes a full 200 degrees! That’s 20 degrees more than other apparatuses!

That means it’s better by 20 degrees!

Holy shit!!!

What just happened?!?!

That balding, middle-aged obese guy just morphed into a full-headed, young athletic guy!

How… wha… buh…

This product is off the hook!!!

…yet I know it’s dainty enough for recently-widowed granny to use while watching 80s leotard pornography.

Only voor easy slechts of 119,95 Euros?!?!

That’s it, I’m buying this thing. Jowls be-gone!

***

Watch the original ad [albeit, in Dutch] here, and this weird American promo version with the shittiocre testimonials.

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