Mediocrity Strikes!

Squeals & Doll Baby
July 30, 2008, 8:49 pm
Filed under: Humor

Before I begin, I know, the following is somewhat old news now, but I’ve been kinda caught up lately what with my job, band, 2 other blogs, alcoholism, obsession with Call of Duty 4, alcoholism, porn and alcoholism, so forgive my tardiness…

If you didn’t catch the news a couple of weeks ago, the late Steve ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Irwin’s daughter, Bindi Irwin, has a creepy and hence, very life-like doll being made in her image.

Truly horrifying.
The picture on the right is also quite scary.

Which leads me to my point…

Many and varied celebrities have had dolls made in their likeness.
Action-figures are obviously a whole different story, as they’re a means of movie studios to capitalize even further on the strength of a successful movie franchise, snatching the last dollars and cents out of our collective pockets before slipping questionable pills in our Bacardi Breezers, waiting til we pass out, then ripping our flimsy high-school formal dresses off and- NO BILLY I TOLD YOU TO WAIT TIL AFTER THE WINTER PUMPKIN DANCE!!!

*ahem* Sorry, just had a flashback… where was I?

Oh yeh…

Celebrities having dolls made in their own likeness, not in the likeness of a chracter they’ve played, seems oh so wrong to me. It also doesn’t help that most of the dolls they have made are just plain crap.

In the celebrity world, there are many different ways you can earn a quick buck.
Some of these methods (working, for instance) are respectable, and I have nothing against an entertainer who is actually entertaining earning shitloads. Hell, I wish I could break that market.

But there are also many other avenues famous people take, where they effectively use their status to edge their way into a situation they have no right exploiting… ever.

Take a look at my patented Certified List of Celebrity Sell-Outingness© closely…

Desperate grabs at money by celebrities
(From almost-respectable, to not the least bit dignified)

-Producing a movie
-Signing a film contract (If singer)
-Getting a record deal (If actor)
-Writing a tell-all autobiography
-Marrying decrepit old billionaire
-Promoting a product
-Selling your own autogrpahs on eBay
-Standing on a street-corner, farting the national anthem, while letting strangers throw spare change into your open mouth
-Having an awful doll made in your likeness to capitalize on your questionable “star status”
-Fucking Tommy Lee and selling the story

As the list plainly states, stopping short of fucking Tommy Lee and selling the story hoping someone will find it interesting, having a doll made in your likeness is the most pathetic money-spinner you can even hope to consider.

Expecting people to purchase a plaything based on your real-life looks and persona is about as conceited as you can get. It makes me wonder what kinds of mind-blowing special features a doll with my personal traits could hope to offer…

I sell myself short… my fingers don’t smell like cheese all the time.

As further proof that the notion of dolls created in the likeness of dull celebs, not to mention the very quality of the things, are flat-out mediocre and wrong, I’ve compiled the following examples…

Well that doll could be Jay-Z, but it could also be Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I’d probably actually buy a Fresh Prince doll set. But I’m really hanging out for a Jazzy Jeff action-figure!

Name a song Devo sang that wasn’t Whip It.
If you can answer that you deserve every interchangable generic black-haired cranium in this crappy collection.

Umm, these are Captain and Tennille dolls…
I’ve racked my brain for a funny caption, but the joke just seems to be the very notion of a Captain and Tennille doll set.

Attention conspiracy theorists: I’ve found the Roswell alien and it can be ordered from a Doubleday catalogue.
Oprah couldn’t possibly need money this bad, could she? Besides, this looks more like Diana Ross.
No, I’m pretty sure it is in fact a Diana Ross doll.
The Oprah doll just bought the Diana Ross doll’s body and transplanted her head onto it, leaving the Diana Ross head to attatch itself to Oprahs flabby frame and use the profits to buy a bucket of coke.

Ashlee Tisdale doll. I don’t know who Ashlee Tisdale is, but according to the doll, she is America’s number 1 selling artist with Downs Syndrome.

It’s so great to see the special people in society getting a decent footing in the world, and good luck to little Ashlee.
Hang in there, kid!


1 Comment so far
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I want, NO, I NEED a James doll.

Comment by Jessica

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